The next few weeks were full of grieving, pain and plans; plans for the funeral, plans for our future all that we did was plan, plan, plan. I couldn't take it. I just wanted my mother back and everything to be back to normal. I just wanted to see my dad smile again and not drink himself stupid everyday. I just wanted my sister to not be in so much pain and have to witness our father falling apart. I just wanted to make it better but I couldn't. My fist collided with the wall damaging myself in the process as well as creating an indentation into the wall. My jaw clenched tightly being the only sign I was in pain.
My father staggered through my bedroom door the scent of alcohol almost made me choke it was so strong. I swear I could even taste it. He'd really let himself go. Usually he was well groomed but he hadn't shaven in days and it took a few days of nagging at him to get him to it. Normally he had clean clothes on but now he just wore jeans and a t-shirt both covered in stains from the past few days. His short brown hair was greasy and needed to be washed. To be honest HE needed to be washed thoroughly and he needed a shave. To avoid taking in the sorry sight of my father for much longer, I stared at the old book my mother used to read to me as a boy. She loved writing stories and wrote one for me and, 5 years later, wrote one for my sister when she was born; both were personalized for us. Whenever I missed my mum I picked up the book and felt the rough pages in my hand knowing my mother had touched these pages. I felt so much closer to her when I did this.
What the hell is he doing...No-one cares if this house is big he should pull himself together...But he just lost mum...What about us doesn't he care about...He just LOST his SOULMATE it's only...It's not fair!
I knew I shouldn't be so angry with him but I couldn't help it. We'd lost our mother too but he didn't seem to care at all. All that mattered to him was taking away HIS pain.
“Sit down on the bed Elijah”
Clumsily, breaking a few things in the process, he arrived next to me.
“I-I-I'm sorry...I'm hurting I just want...Look I know...Listen it's just...It's just I miss her so much. I want her back here with me, back with you and your sister. I want things to...”
“To go back to normal? You think we don't want the same thing? You think this is any easier for us? Huh? Do ya? NO because it isn't! Is it? But do you see us getting drunk? No because we're looking after each other and dealing with our pain so why don't YOU do the same?”
“BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH! I WANT TO BE DEAD WITH HER BUT I'M NOT I'M HERE WITH YOU!” His body rose and fell along with his tears.
“I'm sorry son...I didn't...I just meant I want to be with her but I love...hmm...I love you two as well...I can't leave you guys both now can I?” Our argument seemed to have sobered him up.
“If you loved us you'd quit with the drinking.” It came out as a whisper as I tried to control the anger building inside of me. I was face to face with him staring right into his eyes. The alcohol hung thick in the air invading my sense of smell along with his body odour.
I couldn't sleep that. I kept tossing and turning with the events of the past few months replaying in my mind. The smell of rain hung in the air. I stared out through the gap between my curtains staring at the moon when I heard a gentle knocking on my bedroom door and then my sister popped her head through the door to see if I was awake.
“Elizabeth, what's up?”
“Can I stay in here a little while?”
“Of course you can lil' sis'!”
“Can we talk? I heard you and dad arguing.”
I protected my eyes from sudden change in the room from being dark to light. A gentle laugh emanated from my sister.
“Sorry I just wanted to put the light on, y'know?”
She's so strange sometimes. She sat beside me and I briefly gave her a hug.
“It's okay and yeah well he needed to be told. He's upsetting you and of course I gotta protect my lil' sis' from getting hurt don't I?”
She glared at me as I ruffled her hair playfully. Her smile suddenly dissipated.
“I miss her Elijah.”
I reached out and wiped a few of her tears away and gently caressed her again but I didn't let go.
“I know you do...I do too...You like just like her y'know?”
And she did. Unlike me she had the brightest blue eyes and was very petite although we both shared the Cole coloured hair hers was slightly curly; just like mums.
“Yeah, what're we gonna do? What if dad doesn't stop? What if we lose him too?”
Her body shook as more tears spilled over and stained my t-shirt.
“It's okay. It's okay.”
I pulled back and looked her in the eyes.
“I'm not leaving you. Whatever happens I'll be here. I'll deal with Dad don't you worry. I'm your big brother, I'll be here to protect you! You remember when you had your first date?”
“Yeah I thought it was Dads that were s'pose to chase of all the guys not big brothers.” She laughed.
After a while she fell asleep in my arms and so I carried her into her bed and tucked her in. I kissed her cheek and could taste the saltiness from her tears. I stifled a laugh as she began to lightly snore.
You won't ever have to cry again lil' sister. I'll make everything okay I promise.
It was about 3am when I finally got to sleep. I needed to rest up. I needed to do well. I needed to provide for my sister. I was the only one left for her and I needed to look after her since our father obviously wasn’t going too.
